It's the dream job. The staff are perfect. The management team on side. There's just one problem. I found myself in this situation last week. Brand new General Manager. Just not speaking the language we were all speaking.
I knew it was my problem. He's new. He's powerful. To be honest, part of me wanted to kill him. The other part of me wanted to be professional. To complete the project despite the resistance.
If you've ever been in a situation where two parts of you were warring on how to proceed, you're not alone. This particular parts war is common. We want to work hard but we want to relax. We want to be with the kids but we should be analyzing a spreadsheet.

Here's a technique I use when coaching clients in this situation. Perhaps next time you find yourself in a situation where you want to be there, but you don't, you might try it.
Essentially this technique, a Parts Negotiation, gets you to work with the two warring parts of yourself. Like any negotiation, it works to understand what both parties want, and then find a middle ground where both can be happy..
On one level, it's a simple pros and cons and action planning exercise. And every coachee I've ever used it with has noticed its profound effect.

You'll need 3 chairs. One for the "whole" you, in the centre. One for the part that wants to strangle the client, one for the part of you that wants to stay in the job and be sensible.
You'll also need 3 pieces of paper and a pen. Set up the chairs and papers so each "part" has their own piece of paper.
In short, here are the steps:

1. Discover what each part wants
2. Discover what prevents this
3. Make an offer (and counter offer) until they're both happy
4. Imagine it happening
5. Make it happen.

It's deceptively simple, as I said. I'll take you through an actual example, using my own desire to murder the client and at the same time be professional. When you try it, you'll be surprised!

So, the first step: sitting in the centre chair, write down what the "whole you" wants. Be specific. Maintain my reputation. Deliver what the client needs. Make a difference. Get paid. Referral work. Not work with idiots. Not look like an idiot myself. Not be unprofessional.

Identify then the 2 parts sitting in the other chairs - for me they are the Murdering Part, and the Professional Part. Choose one, and sit in their chair.

When you sit in this chair, take a moment to just fully be that part. I sit in the Murderous chair. I think murderous, blaming thoughts. I want to kill the client. Now I write down what this part wants.
When that tirade has finished, I answer this question. What does this part want for the whole person, who sits in the middle there?

My answer: I want the whole person to be healthy, to do worthwhile work. I want recognition and appreciation for what she knows. I want her to be trusted.

So now I move to the third chair, the Professional Part. I truly get into that part's shoes.

What does this part want? To do the right thing. To be flexible and find a way to make this work. I want to be patient and helpful. I want to be "super-consultant". I want to maintain my reputation.
What you'll notice at this point that many of the things the whole person wanted appear in the lists of either side. That's clearly because the whole person wants what both parts (now the 2 sides) want. This is good, because it means we can negotiate.

The Professional Part wants the whole person to be happy and healthy. To have an opportunity to do new things, and to work with new and interesting people. Again, there are some commonalities with what the Murderous Part wants for the whole person.

Now I sit in the middle chair, and read through what both sides want. This is a negotiation between 2 clients. You are responsible for allowing them to come to a conclusion. Don't try to solve it from the middle, just understand it.

I return to the Murderous chair. What stops this part from getting what it wants? Murderous says the Professional is a brake. It stops her from shaking up the world and making real change.
From her chair, Professional says when Murderous part is all over her face. There's no hiding the contempt and anger that the Murderous Part feels, no matter how the Professional Part tries to stop it.

This is the time to negotiate.

I ask the Murderous Part what it's prepared to do if the professional part would take the brakes off for some time. Murderous will cool down while she's talking to the least able of the clients if Professional allows her to express herself somehow regularly.

I take this option to Professional. I sit there. Professional contemplates the offer. Can I take the time to diarise or write down my frustrations, so that Murderous feels acknowledged, just until this project is over? Yes, I can. I happily accept this offer. If I give Murderous the time and space to vent in a non-threatening environment - in a diary format, at the end of each day for up to 20 minutes, then Murderous will stay calm and not be too obvious in meetings.

I return to Murderous. Ask if there's any reason that this won't work. All is well. Now I just have to make sure that both parts understand that if the old behaviours return, then it's just a signal that it's time to renegotiate.

So I sit in the middle chair. Metaphorically speaking, I gather up the pages from each chair, gather up my "parts" from the other chairs, and bring them together. I imagine the two parts shaking hands in agreement, and returning to my whole person.

Now I look forward in time to meetings with the same clients who made life impossible, and notice how calm Murderous can be. I remember to think about what life will be like diarising the "case study" of the day's frustrations and opportunities, for 20 minutes at the end of each day.

I think of how a month from now, when the project is complete, and the opportunity for further work emerges, perhaps unexpectedly, how glad I am to have taken the time now to sort through the way things were, and find a solution.

The common thread for all coaching and therapeutic techniques is to put the problem outside of our heads, so we can examine it. It's what makes us effective consultants - an external view and a methodology appraise an issue.

Parts negotiation works in many situations. You can use it on yourself. You can use it with anyone trying to make a decision. Whenever you have the sense that there are 2 ways to go, and you're pulled both ways. Try it next time you're confused, angry or both at the same time. You'll be surprised at how easily you can resolve your own conflict and move forward.

Cindy Tonkin is the Consultants' Consultant. She gives consultants and managers tools to make doing business with people simple. Books, coaching by phone or in person. Public Training in Sydney.

Visit Cindy's Practical Solutions to People Problems Blog. Visit Cindy's Consulting Business Blog

Cindy Tonkin can help you improve your business. Coaching by phone, email or in person. Corporate training for your consulting team.

Visit Cindy's Practical Solutions to People Problems Blog. Visit Cindy's Consulting Business Blog