Now just suppose you’ve had some difficulties with a staff member or colleague. Let’s call her Anne.

Anne is not necessarily a difficult woman. You and she mostly get on. There are just certain subjects you find difficult to broach with her. She talks loudly on the phone and disrupts your thinking. Or she is always late. Perhaps she’s never given you the information you need to make your reports accurate and timely.

You understand that she’s going through some tough times. She’s got a difficult life, or her family is changing or she’s doing through a concentration drought. You get that. You empathise. You see where her problem is. You feel her pain. You’re listening.

But still you need to get her to do that report, or come to the meeting on time, or be quieter at work. How do you translate empathy to action?

Ronda and Vic had just moved in to a newly renovated house. Their daughter had been sleeping on the floor. Day after day, when they got home from work, Ronda would ask him to put the bed together while she bathed and fed the kids.

He didn’t do it.

For more than 2 weeks she asked. She understood, just as you understand your particular “Anne” that he’d had a long day. That he worked hard. That he was probably tired. And so was she. Asking and asking day after day clearly wasn’t working.

Ronda attended one of my seminars and learnt about rapport. She was sceptical. With nothing to lose, she tried it with Vic the next evening.

Getting people to do things relies on rapport – a kind of trust or empathy. You will find if you review the people you work most easily with, that you have ideas, mindsets, personalities or even experiences in common. They get you, you understand them. You may not like them, and you see what they mean. Rapport is based on a conscious or unconscious sameness. An agreement at some level.

Ronda, when she said “You must be tired” to her husband was giving him a chance to hear that he got what it was like for him. It was a statement which she knew he’d agree with. She paced 3 times:

You must be tired (pace 1)

It’s been a long day (pace 2)

These noisy kids need to be bathed and fed (pace 3)

After he had said an unconscious “yes” three times, then she went on to lead – to state her request – something she wanted him to say yes to.

What about you put up the bed while I bath the kids? (lead)

Rapport has 2 components therefore, pacing (stating the obvious, saying things they agree with, things that are true for them), and then leading (stating, suggesting, asking, adding new information).

The more difficult the lead (i.e. the more difficult it would be for them to agree with it), the more paces you need to do. The higher your level of rapport, the fewer paces required.

You may be surprised to notice in your own speech patterns that you already pace and lead naturally. For example, have you ever heard or said phrases like these?

Good morning, isn’t it a lovely day (pace 1)

It looked like rain this morning but it cleared up (pace 2).

It’s good to get in early isn’t it (pace 3)

I’m wondering can we catch up about those reports (lead)

Or this one:

Hey that was a long meeting wasn’t it (pace 1)

We’ve just got time to grab a coffee before the next one (pace 2)

Susan was a little angry, wasn’t she? (pace 3)

Hey, I should send you this article I read about time management – I just loved it (lead)

or this:

Oh my goodness, we're always the first ones here (pace 1)

Things are so crazy around here at the moment (pace 2)

I wish the others could get their act together on time (pace 3)

By the way, maybe you and I should talk about Client Smith sometime - I think there are some things we can do to make her happier. (lead)

or even this:

Here we are in the meeting room (pace 1)

We all work for Company X (pace 2)

We're all very busy (pace 3)

So it's easy for us to forget what is important (pace 4)

if we can get clear on what our strategy is, it will make things easier. (lead)

In each of these sentences the paces are what we’d call “small talk”. A technical term for small talk is universals. As long as they are true for the listener and they would agree with them, they work for pacing. And the leads can be as varied as you like, depending on the circumstances.

Task yourself to notice how you already do this, especially where you feel comfortable with someone. Notice how you can bring it into your behaviour on purpose where things are a little more difficult.

I have written a number of other articles treating rapport (pacing and leading). They take the same issue from different points of view: Selling hypnotically, Getting on with the client.

Consider also that pacing is about matching someone’s model of the world. Saying things they would agree with is just one way. You can also match at other, less obvious levels.

For example:

• Match their voice, pitch, tone, speed or rhythm. In a way, speak like them. If you have ever found yourself accidentally using someone else’s accent when you speak to them, you may already be doing this – pay attention to yourself and then use it consciously with any one you need to
• Match their style of dress. There’s a reason men all dress in suits in business environments, gang members dress the same, choirs and nuns have “uniforms”
• Match their body language. Watch friends in cafes or in meetings - they will match and mirror each other’s posture and gestures – this is pacing at a physical level
• Match the gestures they use to describe their ideas. For example, if they draw a tower in the air with their hands whenever they mention a particular strategy, then use that same gesture when you describe the same strategy, using the same place in the air if that’s practical).

At an even subtler level, you can pace and lead personality styles. If you’re familiar with the DiSC model, let’s say they are a D in that model. They are very direct when they speak, they often use clipped tones and call a spade a spade. They don’t take offense easily, and if they do it doesn’t last long. You can match that “D” style of speech and personality when with them. You don't have to be sensitive, in fact if you are, you will most likely be bulldozered.

When John Gray wrote Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus he did the world a favour by explaining that different people (not necessarily different genders) think differently, and we need to “speak” their language, not ours, to communicate with them. This is pacing at a personality style level.

When you act more D with the D, are brusque with the brusque, you are speaking their language. When you’re gentle with the gentle, likewise!

If you know the Myers Briggs Typology Indicator (MBTI), then behaving like an introvert with an introvert is pacing. Any leading that you do, since framed in their own way of thinking, will have more impact. You can choose to pace with introversion, and lead with words, or you can even lead them t be more extroverted, depending on your outcome.

The essential is this: It’s one thing to understand what Anne is going through and feel empathy. It’s another to make sure that she knows you know.

When Anne feels understood, that you get her, that you’re on the same side, then she’s more likely to do what you lead her towards. They say resistance is a sign of insufficient pacing – when she feels understood she will listen. And not before!

Here are some other articles I have written looking at different personality styles and how to pace and lead them. Helping clients adjust to change (using time focus), Dealing with Detail People (detail / big picture), Helping your client make faster decisions and Convincers – Getting the client to buy and buy in (convincer strategies). You can take the concept of rapport (pacing and leading) and apply it to any personality models you are familiar with.

So go on out now and try pacing and leading with your Anne, whoever she is. Pace a little. Try one thing at a time. See what happens, listen to how she responds differently (or not), feel out which way is most comfortable for you. You already have empathy, now it’s just a question of demonstrating it so she knows you have it too!!

Be aware that you already “do” rapport with some people. And some others you just need to remember how to do what you already do and apply it now!!

If you need advice or help in building rapport, Cindy does executive coaching by phone, email or in person, and public or corporate training. Email me to talk about your needs, or sign up to receive an email linking to new articles on this web site.